trying to tie shoes
you'd want to walk in
I just want a mutual understanding and to make you think. Because I know that my default mode creates processes and problems that hurts us.
Our emotions effect our perceived perceptions of the present. When we recall our current emotions will naturally filter through our thoughts. Creating a new recollection.
Should the past solely be a a way to form catharsis, jokes, or peace?
It’s irrelevant, and predicting the future is impossible.
”Nothing ever happened in the past; it happened in the Now. Nothing will ever happen in the future; it will happen in the Now.”
The words that we say and use trigger reactions in people based on their brain combing through the past references and situations where that word made the most sense.
How would I then craft a story that doesn’t trigger reactions in people that directly triggers me?
It’s about deconstructing the pronouns, I and me can always mean you or them.
Us is you and me. We is not always you. Them is not us. Names should be used otherwise in refercing others.
It’s strange raising children knowing that the first thing people want to know about someone else is if they could or would fuck.
I have been wondering if I should start naming the themes of my thoughts and fear at the power this could give them. Or maybe they would be easier to ignore, the useless negative thoughts.
It’s first time go, or no-go in my mind. There have to be ground rules, a pretense like life matters. Even if there are people who think life doesn’t matter or other lives are less then theirs.
People are afraid of helping others because they aren’t sure of the long term benefit to themselves. Would they be better off having not gotten involved? IN a problem bigger than ourselves.
Like America harnesses and manufactures attractive poor children to be sold as sex slaves or used for entertainment on a more basic scale.
That’s are number 1 export. Do you think england sent their best and brightest? To conquer a continent? Who would want to conquer a continent and enslave africans and asians? While indenturing europeans?
What type of person would continue to prosper THE MOST through out time in America? The people who abuse the labor of others to the maximum potential.
Eventually we realized empathy was the answer and yet it isn’t encouraged or practiced to any capacity by any quantity of people.
It’s direct individual empathy vs collective apathy.
You don’t want to syphon through my thoughts with me though.
You want to hear about the rabbit hooker. The one they called rainbow with admiration, because she came from both ends.
Well this rabbit knew too much about me for an acquantance much less a stranger.
She leads you to her brothers trailer outside their moms house where rabbit lives with her kids and mom. I gave her a ride home, from her job at the gas station I frequented.
Rabbit and her brother Target made it clear that there was a hit put out on me. They were evaluating if my life was worth more to take or dismantle.
The woman one building over got a job at the gas station and made it clear she trafficked children.
In Finn’s and I’s apartment. I’d go to sleep to the sounds of the downstairs neighbors beating their kids. I encouraged Finnegan and his mother to get out of the situation. She decided to start an affair with her ex-boyfriend and plotted a new life.
I found that a week before christmas. Again on new years everything was gone besides Rabbit and Target.
The suicide note I wrote when I went into the woods encouraged their older brother Charles to kill himself. He went into my apartment and found it. They were breaking in so I gave Rabbit the key.
Life didn’t matter to them because they killed their father after molesting Rabbit. On a trip to Yosemite.
Rabbit was my first wife’s cousin and married my first bastard wifes father’s brother.
Both of my first wives were from the same mountain range. Same as my father.
My next wife and love of my life is from the mountain range the 101s’t trained for Normandy at. The actual setting for the first episode of band of brothers.
If they can’t turn the poor kids into sex slaves they are otherwise ment to become criminals and the people that hunt the criminals.
All for the entertainment for the people above it all.
I am totally and permanently disabled because of my service in the military. I was unaware that was a possible outcome. I was also unaware that my time in the military would mean I can’t be a father.
Diagnosed by a doctor of law.
It’s been almost 2 years since I have seen my oldest son. Child support is directly taken from my combat related compensation. SO in other words if I didn’t deploy I wouldn’t be paying for my own suffering.
Since I don’t make enough money to pay taxes we are ineligible for the child relief credit. If only taking care of my children and not killing myself were enough reasons for my to have a decent life.
I want to be there for every sneeze, that’s my goal as a father. And to help them live a life and world of their own creating for as long as possible. Because the world does not work that way and I would love for them to have some peace/piece of mind.
Something I never had being forced into trauma at an early age.
IT’s been two years since my mom or aunt has talked to me.
I think my mom died in that car crash and my aunt took me. Or something along those lines.
Maybe I want to detach from my mother because she can detach from me.
My uncle is dead.
I am the oldest member of my family at 36. I can’t be a super hero anymore. I can’t leave the house or form a relationship with anyone.
Someone I looked up to killed himself on my 7 year retirement anniversary. The other 2 soldiers I was friends with burned to death. Im not sure how he killed himself. I wanted to go to the funeral. Seeing the pictures of the people who stoned me for videos on my computer was haunting.
He wanted to prove he was more of a man in his mind than me. When people do this they end up feeling marginalized because they thought of something to compare us to.
Our first sergeant was the one to inform Robs mortal nemesis that he killed himself. WE all reacted positively being in on the joke.
It did make me wonder how much this asshole talked about Rob for first sergeant to think that they were close. Since we all knew they literally fucking hated each other and he probably laughed at the news.
Rob fell asleep. It was his idea for us to over watch the road all night to see if anyone tried planting bombs. WE snuck into a building during a routine nightly patrol. Rob and I stayed watching the front door. Our sniper and spotter on the roof.
I was the first person to not ask Rob if he had killed anybody. That was the last thing he said before he fell asleep. I still had to do my three patrols and guard the next day. They didn’t.. I was the only medic for 2 seperate squads of 10 people with different missions. IN the morning we realized there was an open back door that we could of been killed from.
He also abandoned me a few times and left me lost in Afghanistan.
I and the conceptualized future versions of Finnegan are who I reach for inspiration from.
Super speed is always the dream super power. I tell people I want to make powers stronger. Be the judge of who should be super and how super they can be.
But I feel like when I got lasik surgery they took my eyes and my new 20/40 super eyes are able to be used by other people.
It’s inside all of us and no one believes me.
WE all notice our inherent connection to everything. How things move with us that we don’t touch or aren’t even aware of.. everything is moving in unison and we deny it because it isn’t exactly what we want.
How do I get my son back for us and know that he won’t be taken and traumatize my self, my Kitty and our children.
Doing what’s best for me is challenging when I don’t know if I am integral to the equation.
Social security responded to me. This is my 3rd attempt the first foiled by my second wife telling them I didn’t want them to represent me while I was in the psyche ward for the 1st time in my life. I called them the day before and they told me they canceled the hearing. The day I got out and walked 25 miles home with no money.
Social Security says that it’s only going to be another 250 days until I get a response. I applied 5 months ago.
The VA has stopped scheduling my benefit appointments. I tell them I can’t leave the house and I have no form of transportation and they schedule me appointments 3 hours away.
I ordered tylenol a month ago still waiting on it. WE bought some finally today. She wanted to be nice. THe pain is more bearable now and I can think again. 3 grams a day. everyday. But I’d like my doctor to know that and Prescribe it to me. I don’t know how to take care of myself.
I realized why I only care about the now and instant gratification is because I can’t focus on anything else and everything besides right now and my thought patterns doesn’t register to me.
A sense I ignore. The pain keeps me rooted. I can only day dream with my eyes closed.
I need a editor. I know I repeat myself and I apologize. I stopped taking lithium. It kept me in the middle incapable of becoming manic and solving problems. And unable to become apathetic so existing was more cumbersome.
Anti-depressants equal impotency. You DONT have to be sad anymore. But you can’t have sex.
They want me to lean into schizopnrenic. IN psych wards i prove who is faking.
My glimpes are what they call ticks but it’s really my body saying hey we can’t keep going.
Like when I get nausea and vertigo from moving to fast or carrying too much.
My body does everything it physically can to make me stop.
My therapist said “i think people are more resilient then that”. Implying that I lack resiliency.
When you really listen to people they say everything that you need to know about how they view the world. Talking about other people when the view and focus is solely on them. Saying what others lack as a way to announce their own inadequacie’s.
ON patrols as a medic you are always with the person in charge in the middle of the formation. I was always next to Rob on his patrols. When we were deep stuck in those marijuana fields he left me behind. I didn’t know which way to go or who was where. Every step that I took felt wrong. I could see a foot in each direction. THe marijuana trees 7 feet tall and 5 feet wide. Sticky.
I keep walking forward. Eventually I hear someone.
Could be anyone I am literally in another continent.
The noises stop when I stop moving.
But still drawing closer.
I turn around.
The noises completely stop as I move toward them.
My weapon dangles at my side. Not even a round in the chamber. still on safe.
I never fired my m-4 in afghanistan. I did fire my noob tube though.
I think the Afghani soldier pissed his pants. His weapon was in his hands. He was glad he found me, scared of leaving the forest with out me by his side.
When we came out of the forest. Rod Yelled “yo doc! you’re lucky as fuck I didn’t just light you up.'“
No one asked or wondered where I was, everyone said they forgot about me.
NO one knows who jesus is and everyone in movies can’t recognize a zombie.
It’s just all the bastards have a guaranteed shot at greatness because the created gods in our minds will always be more powerful than the tangible beings and parents that fail you.
WE all came into the world the same way. uh-oh or oh-yeah and we are default negative or positive because of it. While our environment can alter the current it still will go in one direction.
Mordecai controls reality, much like living different lives and realities all in one instant and he is constantly searching for the best outcome.
Imogen controls dreams and she hates her lack of a grasp on the hear and now. While her inherent goal will always be to manipulate to reach her goals.
Finnegan can make clones and time travels. He processes faster than anyone. A side effect of trauma and turmoil at every turn.
What would you like to do?